If only you knew...

Sleep won't come anymore.
On the rare occasions that it does
It comes saturated by twisted nightmares [(code much)]
Devouring me in a million ways
Cold sweats and raging fevers the only company on the crowded streets of my mind.
They whisper to me the things I refuse to hear in my waking.
They push at me and pull at me in so many directions that my subconsciously clouded thoughts get ripped apart.
A shred of myself devoted to my heart...
A chunk spent on my soul...
The rest scrambling to come together in a feeble attempt to protect what little good is left inside of me.
Oh, how I wish you could be there to witness it.
The beautiful chaos that resides where I used to rest my head.
What I wouldn't give to find my comfort again.
My musings barely scratch the surface of the turmoil inside of me.
A constant battle waged between heart and mind..
Never a solution...
Never any compromise...
I'm struggling to find a way around it.
Yet, in the midst of my struggle, I can only manage to wake up feeling wounded once again.

~crystal-dawn

Tell me that you need me
As much as I need you
Convince that you love me
Even if it's not quite true.
Whisper that you want me
For only me to hear
I need to feel your warm breath
Dance upon my ear.
My heart is in your pocket
My soul is in your hands
You're always in my dreams at night,
And in my future plans.
I don't care how long it takes
How many sleepless nights.
One touch, one kiss, one orgasm
Will be worth all this fight.
You are the only one I see
When I close my eyes.
Can't wait to feel the thrill of hello
Without all of the goodbyes.
So lie to me if you must,
But let me think you need me.
I'll pretend I'm in your dreams as well
Since it let's my mind rest easy.

~crystal-dawn

Ask me anything, bitches.

Google, how I love you so

You tell me the things

I want to know

Like all of the movies

That one guy was in

When racing for answers

Together we win.

You make me look smart

When I normally wouldn’t

Perform all the tasks

Other search engines couldn’t

When I get bored

I can google my house

Or spy on some else’s

Less quiet than a mouse

Google earth and Gmail, too

I’d be lost forever

If I didn’t have you

With you standing by my side

There’s no information

The world could hide

We find bad porn

And some good stuff, too

My sweet google darling

There’s nothing we can’t do.

 

~crystal-dawn

Untitled? Are you kidding?

Gimme a word

I’ll give you a phrase

But to dream a whole poem

Well, my god, it takes days!

So many thoughts

Jumbled up in my head

Cant’ sort through them pretty

My talent is dead

Left alone rotting

Alone for some years

I poured out emotions

By dumping out tears

What a shame now to realize

My paint brush is lost

For a chance to play house for a monster?

What a cost..

If I could go back

Turn the pages to prior

I’d throw that damn ring

And false vows in the fire.

I hate to live life

And have things to regret

But fuck

It’s not easy to forgive lest forget

Call this the divorce poem

Or the mourn of a poet

The colors are splashed

Too obscurely to show it.

I know that it’s in there

I’m sure that there is hope

Just need to unravel

The kinks in this rope

That I’ve tied ‘round their necks

And twice ‘round my own

I’m done with that suffocating

Feeling alone.

I need to stop rhyming now

For somebody’s sake

To continue on blindly

Would be a mistake

That could cost me my readers

The rocks that I stand

I’ll bring it back slowly

In random free hand..

 

~crystal-dawn

Bad moods seem to end in good poetry :P

My muse.

Without you by my side 
I really get distracted. 
I look at things that happen 
Talk about overreacted. 
I don't know how to think 
Or how to form right words 
The things that I'm above 
They really start to hurt. 
When you aren't there to ground me 
And keep me in my head 
I cry myself to sleep at night 
And all day I feel dead 
I hate that I'm not stronger 
In all I'm going through 
I wish I was content 
Just simply thinking of you. 
But man, my heart is bleeding 
My emotions are out of whack. 
In all my moving forward 
I sometimes wanna go back. 
To when my life seemed simple. 
I was content not having enough 
Like would get me through with him 
Though with you, I left my love. 
Most days I am a mess, 
But I try my best to hide it 
I've never been the mean one 
I've barely even tried it. 
When I think I've done the best 
That I could truly do. 
Something starts to derail me 
And the whole day comes unglued. 
I hate to say I need you. 
And leave myself exposed 
I wish my heart weren't so open, 
That my mind was a little more closed. 
If I have to bleed for someone 
I guess it's you I'd choose 
More than a lover, and way past friend 
For you've become my muse.

~crystal-dawn

It's truly amazing to me how easy it is to feel lonely when you're surrounded by people. Some days, I feel like I would give anything to have someone around, ANYONE, and then when I have people around, I still can't shake the lonely. The people that are there are the ones I love, and cherish, and believe forever beside, but still I feel like I need to just go. Sadly, I know there's one place in particular I would go if there was nothing stopping me, and that makes me feel a little ashamed of myself. You ever think you really wanted something, and then convinced yourself you didn't, only to wake up 2 years later thinking... What would have happened if I had just taken the left hand turn instead???

Today, I found that Kaplan University sucks. Now, you'd think that I would've figured this out earlier since I've been a student at the University of suck for almost a year, but it turns out, they save the really sucky stuff for when you try to LEAVE the school.